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My internet isn’t working so I’m typing this in Word on Wednesday night at 10:30pm.

 

I’m not sure how I feel right now. The way I described it to my roommate was that I feel how I felt when I lit a cigarette in the common room.  So out of it and now sure what’s going on or what to do next.

 

We had a 12:30am house meeting last night. I don’t even know where to begin but I need to get it out.  I’ll start with going to the local adult store with Amanda after picking her up at the bus stop after her class around 10pm. On our way there, we talked about how something is going on in the house and we have no clue what it is.  Some of the people look upset and are quiet and just… not right. So we got into girly gossip mode and vowed to find out what’s up before going to bed. It was fun while it lasted.

 

We started asking people at the house when we got back and no one would talk! All we knew was that they “couldn’t say anything” about it. We heard that the new counselor, who is also an alcoholic and goes to meetings and even hangs out at the house sometimes to play video games with the boys, was going to stop by at 11:30. but still, no one would say why. 

 

So 11:30 came and went, he showed up and one of the girls went to go talk with him for like half an hour. At about 12:30, dan told me one of guys, who is close with this girl, confided in him what happened. The guy I was talking about in previous posts, the one who is apparently a sexaholic, walked into her room the night before (Monday night) around 1:30-2am.  She woke up with him by her bed, touching her, and he wouldn’t leave until she asked him to after 3 or 4 times. She was “on her medication” (to sleep, I guess, which is another issue entirely, how several residents are taking high amounts of seraquil) so she was very confused and disturbed. (the backstory is that they had “hooked up” or were at least flirting at the beginning of the semester, but she has somewhat of a boyfriend now.) 

 

That was all he told me until our counselor came up to say we had a house meeting in 5 minutes.  He told basically the same story and let her speak. She proceeded to cry hysterically and say how disturbing this was and how she doesn’t feel safe with him the house and does not want him around. She “didn’t move into this house to feel unsafe and for something like this to happen again.” So his ID card was deactivated.  We were told to not let him in under any circumstance, and if he persists to call the police.

 

And that was it. End of meeting. I mean, they definitely said to talk to our counselors or anyone else we trust about it. Because it truly is very disturbing…

 

The first thing I thought was that I didn’t believe it because I never thought he would be one to do something like that. It’s not normal to walk into a girl’s room at 2am uninvited and touch her, period. I’ve had some good recovery and spiritual talks with this guy, and I really thought he meant well. He seemed put together and so committed to recovery… but as I think back, that day we went to a morning meeting, he said he hadn’t been to a meeting in 4 days. I don’t know if he had a sponsor. I did get some weird vibes after he told me he had a sponsor in SA. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I feel like I was naïve to think nothing bad would happen. I mean, obviously a sexaholic relapse would be sexually acting out… but the more I’ve spoken with people about it, the more I see that maybe there’s more to it than that. Maybe he’s sicker than anyone could have guessed. Maybe HE didn’t even know.

 

I stayed up and talked with dan and another guy (what was also a member of my fraternity) who was also kind of friend with him.  He said how he doesn’t know how he feels. Neither did i. betrayal? Confusion?  Anger? Discomfort? I mean, I really thought highly of this guy after a while. And this action was never something I had imagined.

 

So I finally go to bed around 2:30, and my roommate had decided earlier that day that she would sleep at her boyfriend’s place. I should have slept with dan. I was really creeped out and kept thinking about it. I was also overtired and it’s always hard to sleep when im TOO tired.

 

So anyway, I went about my day the best I could today. Went to class, got to my appointments, and eventually made it home around 4:30.  oh, and I saw my counselor and it was really good to talk with her. Although it’s hard to get answers and comfort from someone who doesn’t quite know what’s going on and who is preoccupied with getting a different student who had overdosed and is in the hospital to an inpatient facility in florida. I had to wait an hour to see her. I thank God that my midterm and a lab report that were both supposed to be tomorrow were pushed ahead to next week because I could not focus on studies all day. 

 

So I called dan on my way home and said I would pick him up after class and we would get dinner. My roommated and Amanda came with us.  We ended up talking at dinner for almost an hour about the situation and every other drama in the house. We realized how much shit is going on and how serious the disease of addiction is. It’s scary. That’s all we could conclude.  I heard more tidbits about this guy and put some pieces together…

 

I was in the study room Monday night around the time the incident happened.  At about 2am, he came into the room solemnly, and I assumed he was just tired and stressed out. Another girl came in, in the same manner.  As I went to throw something out in the kitchen next door, I saw the girl involved, her roommate, and another guy (who told dan about it) go upstairs. I grinned and waved at him through the window of the door, and he looked at me with this weird concerned look and raised his hand… again, I assumed maybe they were tired… later, around 2:45 I went upstairs to say goodnight to dan, who lives next door to the girl, and he said that the RA was in her room a little while ago and hoped nothing bad was happening, maybe they were watching a  movie because it was quiet in there. So I thought nothing of these things… then on Tuesday when I was coming back from class, I was on the phone and finished talking in my room, when I heard someone yell FUCK! and run up the stairs. When I got off the phone I went into the living room and asked if everything was ok and if anyone saw it… people looked solemn and said they didn’t see anyone.

 

So now… I sit here in the campus center because I’m not comfortable being in the house right now. After dinner with the 3 people I’m closest with in the house, we went our separate ways to call our sponsors, which was kind of funny and we finally laughed… I love my sponsor now because I realize she likes to keep things so simple.  Her only big suggestion was to focus on myself and my program and take care of myself. Be there for people who want to talk, but there’s nothing else I can do. I had an urge to ask what else to do! But I realize… there’s nothing else I can do but move forward.

 

Amanda’s home group from her area up north had a speaking commitment around here, so I brought her there. It was the quietest car ride with her, she’s usually bouncing off the walls with happy energy haha.  We listened to this girl’s story, and she talked about so much stuff, and I think it disturbed us even more… I kept going back to thinking what happened…

 

She said her goodbyes and as we got into the car, we both agreed that we want to go home.  I’m homesick. I am. I don’t want to admit it but yea. It sucks to be surrounded by people who are “recovering” but are seriously so sick still. Amanda is used to going to a meeting everyday, too, and we’re lucky if we get to 5 each week now.  It’s taking its toll on us. As we got closer to campus, I said that I just want to keep driving and not go back. I think she felt the same way. I walked toward my room and was the happiest I’ve ever been to see my roommate in our room and hugged her and said how I don’t want to be here. What happened has “rumpled our feathers” more than I thought it would. So we decided to go to the campus center. Amanda stayed back, she was crying on the porch when we were leaving, and she said she was just going to curl into bed. I called my friend crystal from home and said that I think I’m going to come home Friday night to hangout, we both need it.

 

Which brings me to my next somewhat upsetting issue. She’s now dating the guy I was obsessed with for months before dan and I started dating… I finally admitted to my sponsor tonight that yea, I’m jealous. She’s getting what I had wanted. And it sucks. Really bad. But I’m trying to be a good friend and let her talk to me about it… but I don’t know if I can take it. I’m trying to tell myself that I’m happy with dan and it’s all ok… but until I let out my feelings, I know it’s going to get worse. The truth of the matter is, there was never anything between us and it was all in my head. Period. But I can’t deny how I feel about it right now. And to top it off, she’s complaining that she hangs out with him and talks with him too much! Fuck! what I would’ve given to have him text and call ME everyday. It’s just weird… but another truth is that… dan was the one calling and texting me everyday… and I really do love him J I’m smiling thinking about how much he cares for me and how much I really do care for him too. My sponsor said to focus on those things, the positives, the things that I DO have because she has the same character defect. So I’m hoping if I visit Friday, it will be a girls’ night. She wants that anyway. She feels lonely and disconnected, which is how I felt when I was around dan a lot at the beginning. When I told her how often we hangout and how we eat almost every meal together… she was like, I don’t know how you do it! I don’t either haha it’s just how it is right now…

 

So yea. I’m just so emotionally overwhelmed. AND on top of all this, my parakeet, who was 12, died yesterday L I’m starting to wonder what else can go wrong. I don’t remember if I mentioned that I found out through facebook that my ex’s mom died last week. The mom that I had major amends to make to.  But then… at the end of the day, removing myself from their lives while getting sober… was enough of an amend. For my ex girlfriend to finally be honest that she was talking to me on the phone the last time her mom asked who she was talking to… was kind of awesome. I wasn’t a threat anymore. I’m doing the right things. And it felt amazing.

 

Now… I just want to go to bed. I want to forget what happened. We all feel like it’s surreal. As if I’m in a movie and this all isn’t happening. I wish it weren’t. I’m sick and tired and don’t want to feel this feeling anymore. I’m going to sleep upstairs in dan’s room tonight. I don’t even feel comfortable in my own room.

**i'm feeling much better today. i'm really excited to go home and get my mind off of all of this tomorrow night. i wish i could go tonight. but i need to get some work done and i have class tomorrow. early recovery group today i heard was intense. not sure what happened, but i'm dealing with the situation pretty well right now. talked to some people, taking care of myself...

I'm feeling more positive lately... I haven't missed as many meetings, it makes such a big difference! many things have come up... Last week, my mom may have had a mini-stroke. she was in the hospital for some tests, and it might have been an aneurysm? i don't know, but the same day i found that out, last thursday, i also learned that the girl i mentioned in a previous post (boy-crazy girl?) had relapsed. had a glass of wine a few weeks ago and a beer during the summer.

i cried in the womens meeting i went to that night. just so overwhelming. it's also been almost a year since my friend died. i don't want to drink, but i don't want to feel so sad and helpless. i mean, i'm trying to help out my friend who relapsed, talking with her... but it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't seem interested in finding the solution and changing her ways. like, obviously if you pick up, you're doing something wrong. but she doesn't seem to understand that. doesn't know why she relapsed. i didn't know why i relapsed either, but i soon found out after i started doing what other sober people did. that change of mind... makes all the difference.

someone shared in the meeting last night about that power struggle of wanting someone else to view things the way i want them to. like, I know the right way, why doesn't SHE?? as if i have all the answers.... you know? haha. i've been feeling like i have superior sobriety or something... "i have more time than she does" kind of thing. so of COURSE i know more!! pshh. bullshit. i'm trying to bring myself down a notch and be compassionate and understanding. until i reach that point, i'm trying to not say too much because my tone of voice irks me a little. i can't believe how condescending i've been feeling lately, toward almost everyone. i don't get it. i need to get off my high horse.

whew. i feel better after admitting that shit... i gotta start praying for some humility...

i kind of like "crisis mode" because i start to do everything i need to do because idle time is dangerous for me. i like the stress i get when i realize i'm not living up to my daily planner's goals. if i didn't get stressed about what i'm not doing, i wouldn't do anything. so until i'm comfortable doing what i gotta do, i'm going to just be stressed until i do it... if that makes sense....

there's more i want to talk about but i need to get some work down so that maybe i can go home and pick up my halloween costume tonight. yayyy.

i'm not quite sure why today happened as it did.

i was doing fine until i got my food chemistry exam back. 60. wtf?? at first i brushed it off and figured i'll just make up for it later in the semester. until i realized how many comments my teacher made. there was no way around it, he knew i didn't know this material as well as i should. um yea i didn't study because i was freaking out about starting smoking again. but then, why did i wait until the night before to study? then he says he wants to speak with some of the students, the ones who got below a 75. awesome. it was just me and another girl, who got 67.

so we made groups of 3 for our product development project, and the other girl, who was in my group spoke with him, then i went up. i was blown away by how much he cared and wanted me to know the material. it made me feel like such crap though because i didn't. i admitted i didn't study, and he was very surprised. kind of like "you're a senior and in this class, and you don't study?" then i said i didn't do well in food analysis either. he then asked if i knew how to analyze a volatile gas, and i mumbled something about chromatography.. and he explained a little more, but it made me feel like more crap. basically, i suck at chemistry, no matter how many years i've been in chem classes. anyway, for some reason, i got really emotionally as he went on to explain that all i need to do is go over the notes for 5-10 minutes a day to 'refresh my memory' and that he wants me to answer all the questions on a separate piece of paper, and to see him if i have any questions. then i started to tear up and he asked me if he was upsetting me, if i liked his class, if he hated him as a teacher, etc... and i'm like "no, i like this class!..." and he asked if my home life wasn't good, and i shook my head and he even offered to help me find help if i needed it... when i could finally get words out, i explained that i'm currently getting help for something and that i would talk to him about it another time... and retreated back to my desk. a few seconds later, classes was over, everyone saw me on the verge of crying... and i couldn't stop once i started until my next class started. i called dan and vented. then called my dad after my next class and cried some more after that... then i finally ate my dinner, and here i am, finally starting my pre-lab for organic chem lab in the morning.

i think i was just angry with myself. and it hurts to realize someone else knows i'm doing something wrong. my thoughts kept racing. when am i going to grow up? i'm 23 years old and i STILL don't know how to study or manage my time. it's frustrating! why can't i understand concepts i've been hearing about for several years now? why can't i be normal functioning student??

i understand i'm an alcoholic who was also recently diagnosed with ADD. but i'm sober and i'm taking medication... life is still so fucking hard and frustrating sometimes though. i'm trying my best and it sucks that i feel like it's never good enough. maybe i AM in the wrong field. but i don't want to think about it because i am only 3 classes away from my degree. i CAN'T quit now. i need to push forward and get this damn diploma and move on. even if i don't end up being a food scientist, i will have accomplished getting a college degree. bachelor of science, no less. i think it's impressive.. at least my GPA won't be on the diploma. ha.

so anyway. i'm going to finish this prelab so i'm not lost in lab tomorrow, then dan suggested we just chill out with everyone downstairs. i haven't done that in a LONG time. maybe i just need to relax. i could at least with a book so i feel somewhat productive...